Are you being too picky?

A question I hear from clients all the time is, “Do you think I’m being too picky? Should I be more open-minded? My friends always say I’m too picky.” 

Well, what is picky? And what is open minded? 

Being “picky,” as we use it, means that when it comes to a person’s dating life, they are rather choosy, fastidious, difficult to please. Rarely does someone come along who meets their laundry list of requirements. This can be good and bad. 

Being “open-minded,” as we use it, means that when it comes to someone’s dating life, they push themselves outside of their comfort zone, date people they wouldn’t ordinarily date, and try new things. This can also be good and bad. 

At the end of the day, it is really not about being more picky or more open-minded. Instead, the solution is to be picky about the right things, and get extremely clear on what it is that you want in a partner.

From the standpoint of what creates a successful and lasting relationship, there are some things you should be extremely picky about: 

• Values. Your relationship with someone will only work out if you share the same values. 
• Communication. You must have a compatible communication style with the person you’re dating. If you’re the type of person who likes to talk frequently and you’re dating someone who never checks their phone, it ain’t going to work. 
• Character. You have to date someone who is kind, generous, respectful, and trustworthy. Don’t compromise on this one. 
• Your specific dealbreakers. 

Everything else is workable. That includes a person’s looks and height, what they do for a living, personality type, how much money they make, shared interests, where they’re from, their family, et cetera. 

Now, to some people, dating someone who is short is a dealbreaker. Fine. To other people, dating somebody who is a lawyer is a dealbreaker. Fine. We all have certain dealbreakers that are non-negotiable for us; that is ok, as long as your list is short. 

It is not for me to tell you what you should want in a partner, or for anybody else to tell you that you’re being too this or too that. All of that misses the point. The point is that there are certain fundamentals (above) that we all need to be vigilant about, otherwise our dating lives become chaos. 

Focus on the things that really matter in the long run, the things that can help a relationship outlast anything. Get clear on what you want, embody it, and stick to it.