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June 27, 2022

Communication Within A Polycule: How To Make It Work

Communicating with one partner can be difficult enough. Add in multiple partners who have feelings for each other, are sharing the spotlight, and are vying for each other’s time and attention, and things can get dicey. Especially if we are considering a situation of hierarchical polyamory. 

Either that, or the communication within a polycule is far superior to communication in a traditional relationship, because members of the polycule know how communicative they have to be in order to keep the peace on love island.

The fundamental tenets of communication are the same whether it is a monogamous or a polyamorous relationship: 1) Say what you mean, 2) Mean what you say, and 3) Don’t say it mean. That is: 1) Use your words and say whatever is on your mind; 2) Speak with intention and be willing to stand by whatever you are saying; and 3) Deliver the message with kindness and gentleness, whenever possible.

However, there are a few additional considerations when communicating within a polycule.

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First, you might be playing a game of he-said-she-said when there are 3 or more partners involved. Therefore, make sure you have accurate information and all of the information before you make a request or take a stance. 

Second, there are going to be feelings involved. That means things can escalate quickly. Therefore, always respond to the situation – don’t react to the situation. Make sure you have a cool and even temper when communicating, and try to keep your ego out of it. 

Finally, problems arise when you say one thing to one partner and another thing to another partner. Therefore, be consistent in your communication. Make sure you are delivering the same message across the board – which is part of meaning what you say. The best communicators are the most authentic, reliable, and consistent communicators. 

Bonus, and this one applies to all relationships: Timing. Don’t communicate when you’re angry. Don’t have important conversations right before, during, or right after sex. Wait to bring something up if you know your partner’s attention is distracted. You could have the most important thing to say in the world, but it's not about you – it's about sending the message in the right way and at the right time. 

We hope this helps!

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