I’ve got good news and bad news.
The bad news is that, when trying to figure out whether or not you’re with “the one,” there are so many factors that need to be considered that it might make your head spin, especially considering that every situation is a little bit unique.
The good news is that I happen to be an expert on what those so many factors entail, and I’ve condensed them down below into the 10 most important ones. If there has ever been a person who knows how to help people answer this question, it is me – in the last three years alone, I’ve worked with almost 100 people who are now either married or engaged to “the one.” Every single one of them asked me if I think the person they’re dating is the one.
An important caveat: I’ve written this in terms of things to look out for in your partner, but everything you expect from your partner is expected of you as well. If you want them to be honest, you have to be honest. If you want them to respect you, you have to show them respect. And so forth.
Here we go. Are they the one? Look out for the following:
1. The basics. The basics are trust, honesty, kindness, and loyalty. They are faithful to you, they are trustworthy and honest, and they have a good heart. These are pretty obvious, but you’d be shocked at how often and easily they’re overlooked. Without these basics any relationship should be a total non-starter.
2. Values. You share the same values. What are values? They are the guiding principles by which you live your life; what you believe is important and worth fighting for; what you’d like to teach your children one day. If you two do not share the same values, they are not the one. I repeat. A relationship built on shared values can outlast almost anything; a relationship lacking shared values will not work in the long run.
3. Communication. He’s a good communicator. He listens, responds, expresses himself, asks for what he needs, and asks you what you need. You are able to manage conflict effectively together. You talk frequently and lovingly.
4. Respect. They respect you and admire you. They build you up rather than put you down. She looks up to you.
5. Safety. She makes you feel safe and secure rather than anxious and unsure. This means that she is reliable, honest, loyal, available, consistent, and a good communicator.
6. Growth. He pushes you (gently) to improve and grow. Because He is in your life, you are stronger, smarter, kinder, more responsible, more disciplined; he makes you want to be the best person you can be.
7. Humility. Similar to growth, she has the ability to look at her own shortcomings and improve herself. They apologize when they are wrong. They are willing to listen and see things from your point of view. They are neither arrogant nor self-righteous, but growth-oriented and giving.
8. Stability. They are stable. Stability doesn’t mean they have no problems; it means that their problems are under control or being worked on. It means that they possess strength and competence. It means that their mind, body, and spirit are in a secure place right now.
9. Beauty. He is beautiful to you. Not necessarily smokin’ hot or sexy, but beautiful. This means that your attraction to him goes deeper than the physical and is an appreciation of his heart, soul, and character. You don’t have to think he’s a supermodel, nor do you have to feel an insane chemistry. But you do want to feel that he is a beautiful person inside and out.
10. Fit. In order for someone to be “the one,” your lives have to “fit” like pieces of a puzzle. Your personalities complement each other. Your communication is compatible. Your lifestyles are compatible. It is smooth. It fits. It just works.
Kevin from the Keys team
Dating & Relationship Coach