Let’s say you have a secret fetish that you want to enact with your partner, but don’t know how to bring it up. “The kink is weird enough,” you might think, “Talking about it is going to be even weirder!!” 

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Keys to the rescue. In this article we’ll give you three pointers to make discussing kinks & fetishes with your partner as seamless and smooth as possible. 

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Before we get into it, remember this: “Weird” is not a pejorative. In fact, it is something to be celebrated. Whether you’re weird in the bedroom or weird at work or weird with your Dungeons & Dragons friends, normal is boring! Don’t be afraid to be weird & step out of your comfort zone, sexually or otherwise. Relinquish whatever judgments you have of yourself and of your partner for having (or not having) certain sexual desires. 

With that said, take a leap of faith and really communicate with your partner following the following three guidelines.

Kink Communication Tip # 1: Ask, Compromise, and Consent. 

Introduce your kinky idea to your partner. Before you say that this is something you have your heart set on doing, ask if your partner would be open to it. If they say yes, then great; you have reached a point of consent. If they say no, express your desire to try this and ask if they would be willing to find a middle ground or try something similar. Make sure you come to a consensus (consent is key!). 

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Kink Communication Tip # 2: Role Play Before You Role Play 

Before you and your partner engage in kink, take five minutes to talk out the whole scene. Imagine you’re planning a bank robbery: The details matter. Get crystal clear and agree on as much as you possibly can. Assign safe words. Talk about what is and is not acceptable. Talk about where, when, and how it will go down. As time goes on, certain things will be understood and they won’t need prior discussion; but in the beginning, pre-conversation is essential. 

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Kink Communication Tip # 3: Debrief 

How did both of you enjoy that? Would you want to do it again? What was working and not working for you? It is these conversations – not the sexual act itself – that bring you and your partner closer together and establish deeper trust & safety. The debrief is pivotal for normalizing the kink experience, making sure you and your partner feel respected and appreciated, and charting a safe & enjoyable path forward.