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June 27, 2022

No Chemistry? Wait A Minute, Not So Fast

“I’ve really tried to make this happen but there’s just no chemistry.” 

“He/she is so great on paper, I wish I felt the connection more, but I don’t feel the chemistry.” 

These are things I hear from my clients all the time. I’ve even said them myself a few times – especially when my grandmother was trying to set me up with someone I really did not want to go out with. 

Sometimes you’re just plain not attracted to the other person, and that is okay – you should never go on a pity-date with someone just because you’re afraid to communicate to them that you aren’t interested in them romantically. 

But sometimes, I’d dare to say more often than not, we look at chemistry as the be-all-end-all of what comprises a successful relationship; and that is just plain wrong. What’s more, we look at chemistry as the starting point, the very raison d’etre, for a successful relationship; also wrong. 

Here is a short list of relationship components that matter infinitely more than chemistry: 

  1. Shared values 
  2. Compatible communication styles 
  3. Similar lifestyles & wants
  4. Ability to meet each other’s emotional needs
  5. Reliability, stability, and safety

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Call it whatever you want: Chemistry, the spark, the flame, the butterflies, the lust, the push and pull. It matters less than you think, for three reasons:

First of all, long-term compatibility is based on those factors listed above rather than immediate physical allure. 

Secondly, physical attraction truly can grow over time if all of the other components are present. 

Last but not least, whatever chemistry you have at the beginning will fade away after a certain number of years, at which point loving someone becomes a choice every day: a choice to be attracted to them, to give to them, to be loyal to them, to invest in them. At that point, chemistry will no longer get the job done. 

Don’t get me wrong: you need to feel connected to and attracted to the person you are dating, of course. But consider the ways in which a real, lasting, and rare connection is different from the chemistry you’re used to experiencing. Wait a minute and assess what the relationship has going for it before you decide to jump ship. 

Kevin Nahai from the Keys team 

Dating & Relationship Coach

IG: @KevinNahai

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