July 20, 2021

Your Least Favorite Things; Ending a Dalliance

Or: How to start turning down someone you thought you were interested in but now find insufferable. 

God, this is the worst. You met someone, started  a fling with them. You don’t love them, but everything is fine and neither party is using the other or toying with their emotions. But then suddenly, you’re over the way they wear boardshorts to all your dates and have a mullet “ironically.” You scale back your affections, tone down your natural charm to write your most lifeless, least titillating correspondences, and hope they get the hint. It backfires. They double down, and you, wary of confrontation, must now find a way to extricate yourself from this joyless charade. 

You don’t want to hurt their feelings, because if you’re having a hard time shaking them, they definitely like you more than you like them. But you will. You have to, unless you want to marry them and live out the rest of your life a little bit annoyed all the time. Luckily you don’t have to choose between staying with them to avoid conflict and leaving a broken heart in your wake. This is the art of the graceful exit. Every graceful exit from a dalliance should have three things; An acknowledgement of the time you spent together, a clear message stating that your time together is at a close, and well wishes for their romantic future. 

Let’s break it down with a real life option from the PART WAYS pill, which can be found in the Disconnect category: “Hey there! I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed our time, but sadly the spark is missing for me. I hope you find it with someone else soon.” As a fun lil’ bonus, this response also comes pre-loaded with two lightning bolts. As you can see, this is a polite and gentle way to cut someone loose. Its message is clear and direct, and sends the recipient on their way with well wishes. Use us or compose straight from the heart, but whatever you do, don’t ghost. Anything is better than that.

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